Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
