Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
