They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
