Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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