An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
