I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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