i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
it's like iHOP with fire
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I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
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you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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