I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
