you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
