just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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