kristin has been a bad kristin
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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