Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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