this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
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You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
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Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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