soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
