he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
