He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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