I could make wine with my vomit
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
