im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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