if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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