and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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