This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
