How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
