"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
