If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
