my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
