you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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