Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i think i have two assholes
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
