I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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