I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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