Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
