okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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