you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
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you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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