It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
