tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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