the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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