Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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