Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Randomize
