You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
