I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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