dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
