Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
why do cheetos always look like penises
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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