What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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