i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
