When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
