I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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