bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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