I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Banned from zoo.
Again?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
