remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
