I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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