Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
