You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
