my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
