Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
