hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
so let's talk penis.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
