i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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