I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
