I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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