i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
