So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Less talking, more tequila
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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